I don't remember getting old, when did they?

I enter the bathroom every morning yawning the grogginess of five or six hours of sleep away - ready to start another day. Ready to change diapers, tackle the laundry, get Sam to preschool, run errands, host play dates, wrestle Emma into her snow boots...ready to read the same story 15 times, answer questions like "What's Superman's REAL name?!" and "Did God make Doc Ock?", prepare three meals and multiple snacks that my children will without a doubt scoff at, ready to kiss boo boo's and break up fights, ready to put one more day of being Super Mommy under my belt.
I brush through my unruly, wild red hair and try not to notice the new white strands that seem to multiply daily around my part. I brush my teeth (yes, I'm one of THOSE people who brush their teeth before they eat or drink anything!) and wash my face, lingering over the lines around my mouth and on my forehead. I desperately rub my anti-aging moisturizer over my face in an attempt to turn the clock back several years. If only I could rub these dark circles away. I vow "tonight I am going to go to bed earlier and catch up on some sleep!" Never happens - with two wild kids when else am I going to read or catch up on my shows?!
I crack my neck, rub my lower back, stretch a few times, notice the pain in my knee...stare into the mirror for just a moment or two and think to myself, "I don't remember getting old!"


I make my way to the kids rooms, preparing myself for all the mommy duties that wait on the other side of their doors. I yawn one more time and open Sam's door. This morning I found him sitting on his futon reading through his super hero books. He had his clothes picked out and announced, "It's time to get ready for school!" He trotted off to the bathroom, took care of his own business, and proceeded to get himself dressed. After a big hug he informed me he was going to play downstairs while I got Emma up and made breakfast. I watched my little Super-Sam take off down the hall and disappear down the stairs, fighting invisible bad guys.
I opened Emma's door to find a very happy little stinker, playing with her stuffed animals (they were all lined up according to size, I'm so proud!) "HI MOMMY!" "I POOPED!" Ten minutes later we had survived a poop change and an outfit selection - girls! When did my sweet little baby girl develop such a strong opinion on what she wears? Not looking forward to her preteen years. She too squeezed my neck and took off down the stairs to play - without me.


It hit me with a wave of crazy mommy emotion that my little babies are getting older too. Every day they get a little bigger, a little smarter, a little more independent and self sufficient. Every day they get funnier, sassier (much to my dismay), more opinionated, and oh so handsome & beautiful. Every day they need me just a little less. Every day they get more creative with playing on their own, laugh more at their selected shows, talk more like kids and less like babies. I stare at them as they play, while they eat, when they sleep, and think, "I don't remember them getting older!"


I wish I could turn back the clock on my aging. Fill in my brow and laugh lines. Erase my white hairs. Pull the aching soreness out of my lower back and be ready to rock and roll after a few hours of sleep. But I would give anything to freeze the clock on my babies. To keep them little and sweet and so wonderfully innocent. To hear their infant cries again. To rock them to sleep. To squeeze their baby cheeks and dress them in ridiculously cute outfits.


I'm so proud of the little people they have become. I cherish the snuggles and giggles, the cries and boo boo's. I breathe them in when we sit down to read stories. It's a hard road to walk - to watch your children grow and pray for the people they will become, but to wish so much that they would stay little.


Tonight, when you are utterly exhausted from being Super Mommy, I want you to do two things: Go into your babies rooms and stare at their precious sleeping faces - they will be a little more grown up tomorrow AND get some Vaseline gloves to treat your dry winter hands - let's face it, old gals have dry, cracked hands!


I don't remember getting older, when did they?!

Beauty

     Where do you see God's beauty? During the sermon this morning our wonderful pastor gave some examples of catching glimpses of God's beauty - a remote mountain view, a Kansas sunset - images that are so stunning and glorious they take your breath away and have you thanking God for the beauty He put in this world. I can recall many amazing sights: the ocean, the mountains, a pond deep in the woods, the aspens changing, a clear blue sky on a cool Autumn day. Images that instantly fill your mind and leave you in awe of God's creation.
     There was a time when I viewed God's beauty very differently. A time when I thought God's beauty was only seen in grand views, amazing acts of love and kindness, great sacrifice...things that claimed an audience and earned high status attention. As a teenager and young adult I certainly didn't see the beauty in acne, research papers, being shaped like a boy, flat tires, heartbreak...I appreciate the beauty in those moments now.
     When I was 24 I saw the beauty of my husband's baby blue eyes for the first time. I came to know the beauty of his heart, his story and all of his struggles. I came to know the beauty of love that God created. We said "I do" and I came to know the real beauty of sharing your life with someone.
     When I was 26 God gave me something so beautiful it changed my entire being. Samuel was born on a warm September day and I had truly never seen something so beautiful. God sent him into this world crying and screaming and covered in goo - and he was the most precious thing I had ever laid eyes on. I came to know the beauty of new life. The beauty of hungry cries, swaddled snuggles, baby toes, exploding diapers...the beauty of wanting time to stand still. When I was 28 God gave me another beautiful life. Emma was born on a cool May afternoon and in an instant my heart doubled in size to encompass the beauty of two perfect gifts from God. Now you want to talk about beautiful? My Emma is the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen - my oh my, we are in trouble.
     There was a time I didn't think the "small things" in life were very beautiful. I didn't take enough time to appreciate them, to thank God for them. I define beauty in a very different way these days. I see beauty in my son's fat baby cheeks and his perfect, mischievous little smile. I see beauty in Emma's baby blue eyes - just like her daddy's. I see beauty in dirty fingernails, scraped knees, mommy snuggles, picking dandelions, five hundred questions a day about how things work and what letter a word starts with. I see the beauty God put in our hearts - the beauty of unconditional love, the beauty of compassion, the beauty of grace. I see the beauty of innocence. I see the beauty of hope He sends us in our fallen world through my precious little ones.
     I am so blessed by God's grace. It has taken me a long time to see the beauty in all things - a struggle I will continue with all my days. I see the beauty in mine and my husband's differences because they lead to honesty, submission, and grace. I see the beauty in my son's stubborn, unruly temperament because it leads me to a level of patience I never could have understood. I see the beauty in my daughter's temper tantrums because they lead me to laughter in a moment of chaos. I see the beauty in my aging eyes and laugh lines because it means I've had a lot to smile about.
     I see the greatest beauty in Christ - his love, his grace, his great sacrifice. I pray you have the beauty of Christ's love in your heart and that you can see the true beauty of this life.
    

I don't want it to be over

I have a lot of friends sending their precious little ones off to kindergarten and first grade this year and it made me think about how close I am to losing my little man to the life of school: homework, bus routes, carpools, sports, new friends, and a whole new realm of parenting. As I thought more about sending my sweet little dude out into the world and losing so much precious time I get to spend with him I came to one conclusion: I don't want it to be over.


I dread the day. The day I send my heart, my first born out into the world without me. I dread the day I lose morning snuggles, breakfast in our pj's, lazy cartoon watching, no where to be, putting together his favorite dinosaur puzzle for the umpteenth time...I dread the day I lose my baby boy because a baby is exactly what he no longer is. Why didn't God give us a pause button? The time I have with my babies is slipping away from me faster than I want it to and all I can think is: I don't want it to be over.


I had a career before I became a mommy. I was a middle school teacher and trust me, I loved every minute of it. However, I never had any doubt in my mind that when the time came for Andy & I to start a family, that would be it for me in the career world (at least for a while). I knew I wanted to stay home and take care of our babies. I knew I would savior every minute I had with them, to watch them grow and learn. I knew the old saying "time flies" would be an understatement and that my babies would be grown up in the blink of an eye. Babies don't keep. I knew from the moment they were born I didn't want it to be over. The smell, the soft skin, the snuggles, the cries, the giggles, the feet (is there honestly anything cuter than baby feet?!), the newness of life.


The first thing I say to my children in the morning is, "I love you, I'm excited I get to spend the day with you" and the last thing I say to them at night is, "I love you, I'm happy I got to spend the day with you." So routine are these little sayings that the kids have started saying it to me before I can say it myself. And it's true, so very true. I cherish this time. I don't wish it away. I no longer "look forward" to the next milestone like it means something real is happening. Something real IS happening - life is happening. My children are smart, sweet, beautiful, handsome, silly, imaginative, funny, ornery, & difficult...they poop a lot, cry a lot, eat a lot...don't nap enough, talk back, and spend a decent amount of time in time out, but they are WONDERFUL and I wouldn't change anything about them. I want time to stand still, just for a little while. Thank you, Lord for this time I get to enjoy and cherish my children - I don't want it to be over.

"7" Possessions

     These brutal little boogers that depend on me day & night, night & day, practically leave me NO time to keep up with my blog. I mean, how rude are they?! If I don't report to my "followers" (do I even have any?) about my experiment with "7", how will they sleep at night?
     Rest easy, my friends. I have squandered several minutes of my day to share my "possessions" experience with you. You are very welcome!
     Month three of this crazy life experiment is referred to as "possessions" - can you see where this is going? Do me a favor - picture your house: every room, every closet, every cabinet, every storage space...are they all full? Like, stuffed to the gills FULL? I can sadly admit that mine are...or at least they were before I read this chapter.
     I don't know if it's an American thing, or a female thing, or a 21st century THING - but for some unknown reason we (insert Americans, women, modern day people) feel the need to buy stuff. Lots. Of. Stuff. We are tempted by so many consumer products I won't even pretend to take the time to list them all. They scream, "buy me", "take me home", "you NEED me" and we listen! I was literally appalled at the amount of items in my home that were either not being used, duplicates, or so insignificant I couldn't even figure out why they were in my house - and I'm a fairly reasonable shopper.
     This chapter truly touched my heart. There were several entries that had me sitting in a heap in the middle of my stuffed closet in tears, ashamed of how many "things" I have. How many things I've wasted money on. How many things I have the luxury of buying that so many people don't. At one point I burst into a crying fit over having 2 crockpots. "For the love of Pete, WHY do we have 2 crockpots. There are struggling families who could really use this crockpot!" At that particular moment my husband looked at me as if I were the craziest woman in Wyoming and told me I should stop reading this book for a few days! I didn't listen - I read on! Mulling over the excess in our home. The excess in our lives.
     The experiment was to give away 7 items a day for an entire month...now even I don't have THAT much stuff (pat myself on the back) so we decided to do 1 item a day, each week, for a month. I'm saddened to say this was incredibly easy, we purged our house multiple times - donated to the safe house, several families in need, a garage sale fundraiser - and I couldn't even tell you what we got rid of... My husband was all about me getting into this book and being so motivated to serve our Heavenly Father, purging our house, etc. But I will quote him - "Honey that's so great, I'm really proud of you, but don't go through my stuff." He has a special conversation with God just waiting for him! That's all I'm going to say about that!
     I realized I had been holding onto ridiculous amounts of baby clothes (how many onesies are really that sentimental) and my old "teaching" clothes - telling myself I will wear them again one day when I go back to the classroom. I again cried tears of shame when I realized so many other people could have used these items...and there they sat, in a storage tub, helping NO ONE. Shame on me.  
   God spoke to me through this experiment. "What possessions are in your heart?" These THINGS that mean nothing - that's what you have hidden in your heart? No. I have the love of Christ in my heart. I have the love of sharing in my heart, the love of compassion, the love of serving, the love of spreading God's word & His love in my heart. Don't let your possessions define who you are. Let your actions define who you are. Listen and let God define who you are.
     Now, you may picture me sitting in an empty house with only the basic necessities of life surrounding me...that's a lovely image...it's wrong, but still a very lovely image! I know as creatures of this human race we like "our stuff" and I think in a way God meant for us to like and desire certain things - everyone has a thing - but He never meant for it to control you, or define you, or harden you. At the end of this month we were making ZERO trips to the store "just to shop around", we had purged every unused article of clothing from all 4 closets, swept through the kitchen and linen pantry, and did some serious damage control on our toy room. My sweet little boogies would say, "momma, I don't play with this, can we give it to a little kid who doesn't have any toys?" AMEN, YES WE CAN! Loving and serving Jesus!
    
Heavenly Father,
I pray that you will forgive me for harboring these possessions in my home and in my heart. I pray that things I have selfishly purchased or held on to can be a blessing to someone else, can be a blessing to you. I only want You to control my heart.
Amen.
    

"7" Articles of clothing

The experiment of "7" continues. Actually I'm 2 months behind on my reporting...I have kids, sue me ;)


During the month of March my wonderful book group and I tackled 7 articles of clothing - only allowing ourselves to wear 7 designated articles of clothing for 4 weeks...that's 4 solid weeks, my friends, of the same 1-3 outfits. Undergarments were off the table because frankly it's none of your business what I have on under my 7 boring articles of clothing! Coats were allotted - we live in Wyoming in, folks. We "cheated" a little and allowed ourselves a pair of shoes - not included in the 7 articles of clothing. NO jewelry, no scarves...no fun at all!


I have to be honest and say I wasn't terribly worried about this month. I'm not really into fashion, I don't wear a lot of jewelry, I pretty much live in sweats anyway...I'm a stay at home mom, don't judge me. I had 3 shirts and 3 pants/bottoms lined up for this fun little experiment. I took my time picking these items out - all picked according to weather, events, and comfort.


After 3 days I was out of clothes. I don't do laundry every day - oh, I COULD do laundry every day, but I don't. So I spent the morning in my bath robe laundering my 7 articles of clothing. At the end of week 1 I was OVER "clothing" - I either had to wear dirty clothes or do laundry ALL the time to keep up with it. After 2 weeks my favorite jeans started to "fade something fierce", my striped thermal was stretched out and my husband couldn't stand the sight of my long grey sweater. This "easy" little experiment was kicking my butt and taking names. It was really hard to keep going!

One of the points of these experiments (there are many lessons to be learned!) is to turn to God in our time of weakness. To lift our struggles up to Him. To lean on His strength when we feel weak, not good enough, unattractive, selfish, frumpy! To realize that our beauty lies in Him - that our inner beauty is far more important than our outer beauty. To take a step back and realize that the closet in front of you, completely stuffed to the gills, is unnecessary. To pray for those who only have 2 articles of clothing - and I guarantee that's the least of their problems. The point for me was to realize that God works in our hearts and in our minds. He sees beauty through our acts of kindness, our willing hearts, our eagerness to be close to Him. He doesn't see beauty through articles of clothing and jewelry. He doesn't measure our worth through accessories and designer shoes.
He designed our hearts to show our true beauty.


Heavenly Father,
I pray you will forgive us for putting so much importance on outer beauty. I know that wasn't your design. I know that's not how you see and measure the beauty of your children. I pray that I will continue my walk with you through this life knowing that you gave me compassion and kindness and a willingness to serve you and THAT is truly beautiful. Glory be to you, Father. Amen.

"7" Foods

I am blessed to be a part of a wonderful book group made up of some of the best ladies I could have asked the Lord to bless me with during this stage of my life - they are amazing. We decided to tackle Jen Hatmaker's book, "7" together and follow along with her on a 7 month journey of experimental mutiny! Just like in the book we started with food. Jen takes her experiment with food down to 7 items - if you would like the details of her experience, buy the book, it's excellent!


We toyed with ways we would make the experiment with 7 foods work best for each of us. As everyone has different circumstances and life styles we were of course very gracious with one another. Some chose 7 vices to give up, some chose to stick with 7 foods (only allowed to eat 7 food items for an entire month), some chose to limit the type of food, no dining out, fasting, rice & lentils for a day's worth of meals, etc.


I was totally on board to do 7 foods for the month of February. I had them selected, I had meals in mind, I was excited (well, kind of)...however, my husband was NOT on board with this - I coined the phrase "big poop stick" to define his attitude toward the whole thing! So we decided to not eat out for the month, only eat healthy, homemade meals, cut out CRAP like refined sugars, starches, and processed foods, fast every Monday for the month, and eat rice & only RICE for a day several times during the month.


Why, one might ask, does this matter? What are you doing to help anyone, how is this positively affecting your life, what are you doing to glorify God? Well my friends, this book is an EYE OPENER! Talk about getting a spiritual slap in the face! I haven't felt this close to God in a long time. Do you know how many people in this world are starving, how many mothers have to soothe their hungry baby to sleep because she has no way to feed him? How many people are sustained on one meal a day, how many people eat rice at every meal, with every meal or for every meal? Do you know how people in your own community wonder where their next meal is going to come from? A LOT. Do you know how many people have the luxury of a fully stocked refrigerator and pantry, a grocery store across the street and a restaurant on every corner (and can afford it)? NOT MANY.


I fasted 7 times this month (I added some days, obviously there aren't 7 Monday's in February). It was NOT fun, in fact, it stunk - the big one! I am a munchy eater. I love pecans, almonds, peanut butter sandwiches...and cookies. Ok, I'm not proud that I can down a box of Oreos in 2-3 days, but not because they aren't "healthy" (please people let's not add that guilt to the mix), it's because I take for granted the simple truth that I CAN eat Oreos any time I want. I can go to the store and buy them. They aren't a rare treat, they aren't a high commodity, they aren't even that special to me. They are an over indulgence that I have taken for granted for a long time. And when I think about the fact that we are "rich" enough to take food for granted I burst into tears.


I fasted this month as a sacrifice to God for so many who go through the day feeling hungry. I fasted this month so I would take extra time to pray for those who go without. I fasted this month so I would stop taking for granted my refrigerator full of food and the local commissary I frequent. I CHOSE to fast, so many people don't make that choice. So many of God's people are hungry.
I ate rice for breakfast, lunch, and dinner a few times...let's talk about how much fun that was. Rice, brown rice in particular, is about the dullest food I have ever consumed. I didn't smother it in gravy or sauce or butter or ANYTHING. It was plain, dry rice. It was nasty. However, it kept me full. At least I had food in my stomach, and the next day when I ate an apple OH how I cherished the sweet flavor! I let God fill my moments of weakness, guilt, sorrow, ignorance, selfishness...I spent more time with Him during this little experiment than I regularly do, and it was glorious.


We refrained from dining out during this month of experimenting. We don't really eat out that often anyway, but making it a no-no makes you very aware of not eating out! There are definitely more nights than I thought that I have the attitude, "Let's just go to chipotle!" This little luxury of dining out is totally foreign to a large chunk of the world's population and we completely take it for granted. It sucks money from our budget and fills us with fatty, processed food that we probably shouldn't be eating anyway! All in all - it wasn't a great sacrifice for us. We much prefer to eat our home made meals in our warm, comfy house around our little kitchen table and enjoy the silly banter from our children. And hey, if they fling food, spill the milk, or pitch a fit, no one is there to give you the stink eye! AND we were able to take the money we budget for eating out and donate it to a wonderful family's adoption fundraiser - I call this a win-win situation!


What's the take away? Are we going to never eat out again, live on brown rice, stop buying Oreos, and go hungry once or twice a week...NO. But I can say this, we are spending less on groceries, we have drastically cut crap food out of our diet, we are budgeting far less for eating out each month, and most importantly we are hyper aware of God's constant blessings. We aren't hungry, our children aren't hungry, heck - even our dog is not hungry. We are also constantly aware of those who are hungry and have taken measures to help those we can. We don't just thank the Lord for our blessings anymore, we pray for those who aren't quite so lucky - we pray for them at every meal, and you would be surprised how much they are on my mind.


Heavenly Father, I am so grateful for the lot I have been given in this life. I in no way deserved this life over someone else. I pray for all of your children in this world who are hungry. I pray that they are taken care of by their brother's and sister's in Christ while on this earth. I pray they are full and sustained by your wonderful love and that they will be blessed in the eternal life you have waiting for them. Amen.

Germaphobe - sure I'll take that label!

Let's enter my special realm of crazy - shall we?! I am what our society calls a "germaphobe", well at least the nice part of our society. I have been called strange, odd, crazy, silly, compulsive...whatever, I'm healthier than you are.
I would say I have a slight issue with germs. Not to be confused as having a problem with dirt, I don't mind dirt, I actually quite prefer mud puddles and hiking trails to the public library or a jump house - talk about a nightmare!


I come from a clean family. My German grandmother cleans outlets and light switches with a q-tip - and she enjoys it! I have always been a clean and tidy person but I think the real issue with germs came along sometime in late adolescence. I cried tears of joy when little bottles of hand sanitizer and shopping cart wipes became a part of main stream society - even though I've carried wet wipes around with me for more than a decade. They have proven their usefulness if many situations - bathroom doors, any and every door handle that exists, gas pumps, communal pens and clip boards, electronic signing devices, restaurant tables and chairs, library books (the library in general), cell phones, keys, high chairs (those covers sure are nice!), and the play area at the mall - which I have taken the time to completely wipe down before I let my kids play - you are very welcome, Cheyenne.


I always find it so funny (funny odd, not funny HAHA) that people balk at this little issue I have with germs. I'm sorry I don't want fecal, flu, or salmonella germs - you can have mine if you'd like! And even funnier that people insist on children "needing" the exposure to said germs...yes because the faucet of snot, booger picking, pooing yourself, and sticking everything God created in your mouth isn't enough "exposure" - I think so.


I have to say I have actually lightened up since having 2 children - colds happen - but if you see me at the library or the mall (which I don't frequent) or any other general area that children congregate, don't be offended if I'm wiping something off or dousing my party in sanitizer. It's not you, it's me ;)

Valentine's Day

I have to confess, I've never been the biggest fan of Valentine's Day. One random day (ok not totally random, yes, I know the history of Saint Valentine) in the middle of a cold, dreary month, not quite 2 months after Christmas that stamps millions of people around the world with a label - SINGLE, IN LOVE, MARRIED, IN A RELATIONSHIP, HAPPY, NOT HAPPY, LONELY, BITTER, WAY TOO EXCITED ABOUT THIS SILLY HOLIDAY, and the list goes on & on. Like anyone needs one more label!

I was at the store looking at V-Day cards and call me cynical or cheap but $5.69 for a piece of paper with a poem written by someone else doesn't exactly scream true love or romance to me - I'm just sayin. I came home and got out the $0.99 pack of construction paper and made crafts with the kids and a card for my husband - with my own words on it (and believe you me poetry doesn't just flow from my fingertips). 

But with that said - cynicism and all - I thought I would cheese it up for the special day and share just how much I love my one and only Valentine.

My husband is the definition of Love. He is kind, he is compassionate, he is generous. He is hard working, he is selfless, he is loving. My husband is sweet and romantic (in his very own special way), he is supportive, he is forgiving. He is accepting of me for who I am - a crazy-control freak-germaphobe with a smart mouth and a sassy attitude (toot toot!) My husband loves God, his wife, his children, his family, his friends. My husband is passionate about his hobbies and sharing it with others. My husband brings me flowers for no reason, leaves me sticky notes before he goes to work, and always gets a second helping of dinner - even if I messed it up. My husband tells me I'm beautiful every single day, at least 5 times a day. He is smart, he is funny, he is the worst singer in the world - but manages to make our baby girl smile by singing her a song. On this Valentine's Day - this over commercialized holiday that doesn't really hold much true value in the grand scheme of things - I just wanted you all to know that: My husband is wonderful.

Thank you Lord for my partner in life. May everyone be as blessed as I am to find their one and only Valentine.

They call me, mommy

Mommy is the most common yet most versatile name one can have. "Momma" as my sweet, rotten little babies call me has included, but is not limited to:
Caregiver (the one and only!)
Nurse
Teacher
Maid
Chef
Chauffer
Entertainment
Narrator
Author
Artist
Handyman
Dentist
Personal shopper
Snuggle bug extraordinaire
Ghost hunter/monster exterminator
Secret keeper
Body guard
Referee
and, oh...about a MILLION other things! I love my children more than I could have ever imagined possible. Like seriously, LOVE them, it's an obsessive problem I have, don't judge me, I'm working on it.
As I clearly do just about anything and everything for my babies I find it SO difficult to keep my identity in tact. Who am I? I am so many things for so many different reasons, I often struggle with who I am these days. Life is an ever-changing event. When I think about who I was 10 years ago I feel like I'm picturing someone else, someone who certainly doesn't exist these days!
But before I let this get overwhelming or depressing (I was pretty fun 10 years ago!) I think about who I am now...who God has made for this moment in my life. This season has called for ME, who I have become through the years of being single, being married, teaching, doing missions, straying from God's word but finding my way back, becoming a mommy, becoming a mommy of 2, accepting my pitfalls, and realizing that my life is not my own.
My life is HIS. My children are HIS. My heart is HIS. I don't need to walk through this life with an identity struggle, I need to walk through this life with the realization that my identity is in God. He created me for a reason and with purpose. Though that reason gets fuzzy at times - am I supposed to be spending my days in sweat pants, cutting up hotdogs, singing the alphabet 100 times and changing dirty diapers?! - I guess so. This is my season - they call me, mommy.